Emperor Palpitation - Chairman of the Board
An experienced Sith Lord who developed the Rule Of One when he became his own apprentice. He may have failed in his bid to bring order to the galaxy, but he does bring order to the board meetings by the judicious use of bombs placed under the chairs of various board members. Dislikes insignificant rebellions.
Boutros-Boutros bin Empty - Asian Import Specialist
One of our best fund raisers. Was our C.F.O but was out of his skull so often he actually had us paying taxes, a no-no for any self respecting corporation.
His Disgrace Lord Yackerboom the Fartsucker - C.E.O.
False God extrodinaire and all-round nutcase, His Lordship has given the corporation a sense of direction - world domination - as well as working for the Greater Glory of his Cayman Islands bank accounts. With adherents numbering in the tens, he has dedicated his existence to bringing down his fellow False God, that despicable, mop headed, Flying Spaghetti Monster. His decision not to force his adherents to buy shares in this corporation is credited with their numbers rising to double figures.
Angus MacGoebbles - Press Conference Officer
Angus has an infallible system at press conferences - the participants either believe his balderdash, or he has them shot. As he only invites the Fawning Corporate Media to his diatribes, he hasn’t had to use many bullets.
Pope Innocent III - Tolerance and Ecumenical Affairs
A long time favourite of the Cathars and Waldesians, known to them as the Barbecue King, and famed for helping them beat the winter chill. He thinks that burning Cathars is the Perfectae way to spend the day.
Regards the commandment “Thou shalt not kill” as an optional extra.
Chuck “call me Wendy” Mann - Spanish Inquisition Liaison
As the first person in modern times to expect the Spanish Inquisition, our Chuck is the ideal person to deal with detectives when they come nosing around.
Played rhythm guitar in Liberace’s backup band before landing a gig as Willie Nelson’s hair stylist. With Charlie Manson, formed the legendary band Wattawoppatitty, noted for it’s twin lead ukuleles and electric tuba and remembered for their double sided mega-flop “Love Squirts” b/w “Who Hit Nelly In The Belly With The Jelly In The Everloving Summertime Part IV”.
With that sort of background, he makes a very good board member and an excellent Jerry Springer guest.
S’zzuflmk XixuX’qqq - Interstellar Drug Pushing
Wddghmj jiofrt ceejvqlfjghd C.I.A jkhg sfsfaef bfjjedd racklexx aggs George W Bush cfghdhfef nbikkik. Mafgg zcvrxdfg Hellary Cliton zvdlgdg zazzydromedaryzazzy fluk veesdlkjh U.S Military xldjg vjdjvjd diddkerridik Cardassians hshvfhdhdj kbdkfg vb gog jummprickerxx. Aggs fluk Jtsbfm USD45,000,000,000,000 ot aggs bomba! Xzasserthik Spiderman alwquitnek!
Satan - Board Entertainments Officer and Careers Advisor
Old cloven hooves, forced into early retirement by the actions of the recent string of U.S. Presidents, was looking for a gig where his profound knowledge of evil and general naughtiness could still be put to good use. Where better than a place on the board of an evil group of corporate cowboys?
Sawdusto Cesare - Train Timetable Specialist
Holder of the “Invader Of A Country Unable To Defend Itself” award for many years, until eclipsed by the brave U.S. invasion of Grenada. Author of the best selling books “Not Invading Greece Properly For Dummies”, “The A-Z Of Surrendering”, and “Idiot’s Guide To Hanging Upside-Down”.
Hellary Rodem Cliton - No Fly Zone Speciaist
Close to realising her dream to have the entire planet declared a no-fly zone, she has sent Santa Claus a complimentary railway timetable. Known to her friends as the Perpetual Pantsuited Paragon of Pandemic Pentagonism Promising Peace but Producing Pandemonium and Pulverised People, Particularly Putin. Hellary is looking forward to controlling Drones of her very own, so that every country on the planet can enjoy the privilege of having the U.S. liven up their weddings and funerals with a little kinetic action, bomb-wise.
Dickless Chay-Knee - Bastardry Advisor
When it comes to being a complete and utter bastard, we can look no further than this guy for spiritual guidance. Known to his friends, if any, as ‘oils ain’t oils’, Dickless is one of the great fiction writers of his time. His greatest work of fiction is his ‘W.M.D.s In The Desert’, which affected the lives of thousands, if not millions. Best known in the middle east, where he is regarded as one of the leading candidates for retrospective birth control.
Arthur ‘bomber’ Harris - Urban Renewal and Planning
Starting out as a carpet layer, he took that expertise into the Air Force where he applied that skill into aerial bombing. He never saw a city that he didn’t want to flatten.
General Galtieri - Invasion Planning And Execution
Has been busy claiming that the entire planet should be part of Argentina, as all the people living there are only settlers after all. This time he plans to invade Pitcairn Island with around 500,000 troops, claiming that he has a 50% chance of winning, providing all 25 islanders are asleep at the time of the attack. “I’ll make those bastards drive on the right, even if it kills them”, he was quoted as saying by the Tierra Del Fuego Daily Bugle.
Sammy Bed Linen - Running And Hiding Expert
Sammy knows how to go on the run, and has helped many of his associates leg it to South America. His two main hobbies, making video selfies, holding up newspapers, and wagging his finger - three main hobbies - have sustained him over the years. He has high expertise in the art of cloning, and says the guy the US offed in Pakistan was one of his favourites.
Instigating a vacancy on the Board.
Typical Board Meeting scene - 12 July, 2016 at Mos Eisley.
Dresden - an Arthur ‘bomber’ Harris redesigned city - inspirational
OUTSIDE ADVISORS
We also take advice from outside specialists such as -
K.K.K. (Kool Karing Kats)
Advisors on matters concerning peace and harmony between the different races, religions, and nationalities. Love the skullcaps, guys.
Acme Panzer Boutique
Our favourite Sudetenland annexers have been our friends and partners for generations. The 2nd Panzer Army is very expensive to feed, but is very effective in the areas of debt collection and general standover tactics. Great regime changers!
Acme Television Productions
Producers of our television programmes and the such like. Shown above is the cast and crew of our popular show, “This Was Your Life”, on their way to surprise another guest.
Neocons
These people have helped and advised on many occasions when we needed to take over another corporation using military means. The only trouble is, they keep on losing. Still, you have to admire the consistency. Love the hairstyle, Ms Condaleezalazaloozalizabatguano!
Privacy Advocacy And Maintenance
We have looked to these people over the years for advice on the following matters -
Employee privacy rights
Confidentiality of customers private details
Fair treatment of employees and public alike
Ignoring rumour and innuendo
No proof - no action policies
Ignoring employees lack of political orthodoxy
Keeping data collected to the absolute minimum necessary
Employee education and re-education
Since these guys opened our eyes with their methods, we have not had one complaint from our employees, or their families, following their attendance at one of our Re-education Camps. These are not Concentration Camps we deny that completely.
Good Grooming Counts Inc
Wanting our employees to look their best at all times, we asked the U.S. Military to provide us with some of their best people to lead the way in showing how deportment, good grooming, and discipline, can make us look our best at all times. Notice how the women look more manly that the men.
Complicated Things ‘®’ Us
People who can put that combover together every morning are just the ones we want handling complex matters that sometimes arise for the Board. They charge us a lot, but I guess their hair spray costs must be enormous.
Acme Personal Trainers Sdn Bhd
These people help keep our Board members trim, taut, and terrific. They are incredibly powerful, just standing up, let alone walking, with all that metal, is an amazing example of physical fitness. You have to book them quickly, before they get shot. We think their tailor should be the first one in front of the firing squad.
Nuns Who Get None LLC
We deal with plebs from all cultures and religions, and we consult this group for advice on how to respect religious sensitivities.
