Assassins - We always need assassins, from the cloak and dagger types to Drone pilots. Character assassins need not apply, as we contract that work to U.S. politicians. Rates per hit are negotiable.
Cross Dressers - Some of our Board Members are a little bent, to say the least, and we are looking for cross dressers to fill several positions* with these members. Training available. Award rates plus tips.
*contortionists preferred.
Help Desk and Complaint Desk Operatives - People who wish to fill these vacancies MUST have the following qualifications.
1. Speak very little english
2. Have an impenetrable accent
3. Have no knowledge of the product or service in question.
4. Reside in a remote country with poor communication infrastructure
5. Work for lousy remuneration, even in local currency terms
6. Have a dislike for residents in calling country
Salary 5 baht per month.
If you feel you are qualified, please give us a call*
*not on one of our help or complaint numbers, if you have any brains.
Incompetent Bureaucrats - We have many positions open for you guys and gals. You have tied things up in red tape on behalf of governments for centuries, and we want a piece of that (in)action, especially in our Accounts Payable department. With you slowing things to a crawl, inflation will take care of our outstanding debts.
Award salary plus siesta time.
Television ‘Experts’ - We have a need for these people to fulfil our commitments on the many ‘news’ programmes we infest. No training is required, as we will give you your ‘expert’ opinion before your appearance, all you have to do is look self-opinionated and smug. Granite jaw and cigar chomping experience will be well regarded, and we can help you achieve that little fleck of spittle on the lips that can be oh so convincing. You are expected to provide your own American flag lapel pin (only compulsory for Fox News Channel appearances)
Award salary plus quality time with Sean Hannity.
Television Evangelists - These are Most Holy positions, as these people are the favourites of His Rectumship Lord Yackerboom, piss be upon him, and all the other false deities, with the exception of that Most Horrendous Flying Spaghetti Monster, may his name be eternally misspelt, who cannot understand big words, as well as most of the little ones. Swaggart and Hinn clones are always welcome, but we are especially looking for people who resemble the preacher in Poltergeist.
Award salary plus a ticket to The Rapture
Rent-A-Crowd Operatives - People who wish to fulfil these vacancies MUST meet the following criteria -
1. Be unwashed (7 day minimum)
2. Have filthy, straggly hair (males included)
3. Dirty clothing (28 day minimum)
4. Sandals (showing black, uncut toenails)
5. Minimum 5 facial piercings
6. Copious tattoos (required at right wing actions only)
7. Able to scream in agony if police officer approaches within 15 metres
8. Dirty anorak (required at left wing actions only)
9. Fluency in inarticulate yammering
Salary 1 joint per hour or part thereof.
Laptop Bombadiers - People who wish to fill these vacancies MUST have the following talents -
1. Must regard war as the greatest experience available to mankind
2. Must never have performed any form of military duty, not even the Boy Scouts
3. Able to find enemies, even when none exist
4. Able to insert the name of God into everything at a moments notice
5. Happy to send young men to their deaths, with the exception of their own family
6. Get teary eyed when they play the national anthem
7. Like to wear combat underwear
8. Able to handle frequent guest spots on Fox News Channel
9. Connected to an approved Defence Industry Corporation
Salary - 1 ticket to Switzerland if the Big One starts
American Exceptionalism Reinforcers - These important positions are vital to the maintenance of our propaganda efforts to convince everyone else of how great americans are. Every film and television programme must reflect this, and these officers must ensure -
All american homes shown are two or more stories, luxury furniture, big screen television, big car in the double garage - even if it is an african-american home.
All homes in Europe are run down, mouldy, cracked walls, 17” CRT black and white television, old style telephone, small, rusty car, parked in the street. This does not apply to the home of an expat american living in Europe.
All war movies will only show U.S. soldiers single handedly winning said war, even wars in which the U.S. did not participate (if any).
All americans are shown as wealthy, even those who live in poverty.
All bad guys are foreign.
All representations of the planet earth must only show north and south america, and no other continents.
All people living outside america want to migrate there.
American films must be shot in fine, summer weather.
Canada is always shown in winter.
American police always solve the crimes they investigate.
The F.B.I. are marvellous.
God is american.
Other lies as required
N.B. Applicants will also be responsible for maintaining terms such at ‘World Series’ for local only sporting events, ‘International Airport’ for those that have one flight per year to Canada, and ‘International’ for use in titles of local trade unions, etc.
People living outside the U.S. laugh at this crap but, never mind, they’re not the ones we are trying to fool.
Salary - Lifetime supply of Walt Disney movies.
Bad Losers (Political) - We have plenty of vacancies for you guys and gals from the left side of politics who are unable to accept election results where you don’t win. We are looking for those capable of looking beyond blaming the Russians or the Iranians. Those who blame God can look forward to early promotion.
Salary - Lifetime supply of pantsuits or 'Combovers For Dummies'.
Our staff dining room.
Our unstoppable Internal Auditor.
